


He Said She Said

by SnailFriend



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: 280 ways to say said challenge, Crack, M/M, Oneshot, Out of Character, it almost makes sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-15 16:03:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18672958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnailFriend/pseuds/SnailFriend
Summary: Kiku and Alfred just want to order pizza and get some of that extra thicc sausage, but an increasingly convoluted series of events gets in the way.





	He Said She Said

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I was challenged to use every word on a '280 ways to say said' post in alphabetical order. I personally hate that kind of thing (Steven King's 'On Writing' had a great section about why this sort of thing just hurts writing), so this challenge was particularly painful. I hope it makes some sort of sense.

The dry heat of the summer sucked the energy out of the small town Kiku called home. Most shops were closed, the puddles were all dried up, and Pochi spent most of the day napping. Alfred was laying on the couch with his gaze fixed on Kiku.  
“Damn, you’re really hot,” Alfred acknowledged.  
“And hungry,” Kiku added.  
“I’m hungry, too,” Alfred admitted.  
“You should get something to eat, then,” Kiku advised.  
“Yeah, I will,” Alfred affirmed.  
“Yeah, you should,” Kiku agreed.  
“I hear that new pizza is good, but one of the delivery boys takes bites out of the sausages,” Alfred alleged.  
“I’d love a big sausage,” Kiku alluded.  
“I don’t! Sausage tastes icky,” Alfred announced.  
“I don’t think you understood me,” Kiku answered.  
“I’m sorry,” Alfred apologized.  
“Please, please give me your sausage,” Kiku appealed.  
“I only want extra cheese pizza,” Alfred argued.  
“I’m not talking about pizza, Alfred,” Kiku articulated.  
“Then what are you talking about?” Alfred asked.  
“I’m talking about your penis,” Kiku asserted.  
“Now I get it,” Alfred assured. “I’ll give it to you after the pizza comes,” he avowed.  
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  
“Isawabigscarythingandidontknowwhattodopleasehelpplease,” Feliciano babbled.  
“I’ll help you out if you leave us alone for an hour,” Kiku bargened.  
“Arf arf arf!” Pochi barked as he jumped at the door.  
“P-please! I-i’m scared!” Feliciano bawled.  
“Aw, Pochi looks so cute when he barks! Who’s my cute little Po-po? You are!” Alfred beamed. He patted Pochi on the head.  
“Feliciano, I-” Kiku began.  
“Please just let me in!” Feliciano begged. He kicked the door.  
“Grrrrrrr,” Pochi bellowed.  
“Stop knocking, you’re making him mad!” Alfred belted.  
“Pleasejustopenthedooridontwanttodie,” Feliciano babbled as he slammed his fists into the door. He wasn’t strong enough to damage the wood, but the impact still made a harsh sound.  
“ARF ARF ARF,” Pochi blared.  
“Please be quiet,” Kiku bleated. The heat and the noise were starting to get to him.  
“I just want some cash,” Feliciano blurted.  
“So you weren’t in trouble. You came in and worked up our dog just because you wanted to squeeze money from us,” Alfred blustered.  
“Hey man, it works! I once got $500 from Kiku when I pretended to break my leg,” Feliciano boasted.  
“Get off our property, NOW!” Alfred boomed.  
“Oh, and one time I got $3,500 from Ludwig when I said I needed heart surgery,” Feliciano bragged.  
“I swear I’m going to get a restraining order on him one day,” Kiku breathed.  
“You guys all fell for my little trick! Who’s the idiot now?” Feliciano cackled.  
“You really should cut that out. You’ll lose all your friends if this keeps up,” Kiku cajoled.  
“Hey, what’s going on over there? You young people are so noisy” Yao called from across the dirt path.  
“Don’t come over here. It’s a whole mess,” Kiku cautioned.  
“Caw,” a bird cawed.  
“You wanna fight, birdbrain?” Yao challenged. He picked up a rock and glared at the bird.  
“Fight the bird! Fight the bird!” Alfred chanted.  
“Aw, don’t hurt the poor little birdy. My 6th cousin twice removed is half bird, you know. He recently got arrested. Something about beastiality. Kinda funny that he can’t date birds even though he’s half bird. Crazy, right?” Feliciano chattered. Yao threw the rock, hitting the bird in the chest. The bird stumbled a bit.  
‘Hell yeah, that’s cool” Alfred cheered.  
“That’s not cool at all,” Feliciano chided.  
“I thought it was sort of interesting,” Kiku chimed in.  
“Ah, you kids are so easily entertained,” Yao chortled.  
“Hey, I have a very sophisticated sense of humor,” Alfred claimed.  
“Oh yeah? Tell me your favourite joke,” Yao commanded.  
“I hope it’s good,” Feliciano commented.  
“It might be too smart for you to understand,” Alfred communicated.  
“I’m not an idiot. You Americans are so rude,” Yao complained.  
“Okay, okay, you’re smart enough,” Alfred conceded.  
“Thank you. That’s all I needed,” Yao concluded. He turned around and went back to his own home.  
“I’m gonna leave, too,” Feliciano concurred. He skipped off down the dirt road, kicking up brown clouds along the way.  
“I really don’t like those guys,” Kiku confessed.  
“Me neither,” Alfred confided.  
“Do you still want to get pizza?” Kiku confirmed.  
“Yeah. And you can totally suck my dick afterwards,” Alfred consented.  
“I’d rather just screw,” Kiku contened.  
“We can do both,” Alfred contested.  
“I don’t want the pizza taste to mix with the dick taste,” Kiku continued.  
“Well, I can’t force you. Anyways, I’m gonna order the pizza now,” Alfred conversed. He took his cell phone out of his pocket and called the pizza place.  
“Please order a small okunomiyaki pizza, please,” Kiku conveyed. “I mean okonomiyaki,” he corrected.  
“This is Pretty Pizza Princess, home of the Pepperoni Princess Pie. How may I help you?” the pizza man coughed. He sounded sad and sick.  
“I thought it was the Princess Pepperoni Pie,” Alfred countered.  
“Please, just order. I just want to get through this day,” the pizza man cried.  
“You’re not very professional,” Alfred criticized.  
“I’m sorry. Please don’t report me to the manager,” the pizza man croaked.  
“Don’t worry, I won’t. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Alfred crooned.  
“Oh, really? You seemed very harsh a second ago,” the pizza man cross-examined.  
“Caw,” the bird crowed.  
“Damn, that thing hasn’t learned its lesson,” Alfred cursed.  
“I don’t think a bird can learn much at all. It’s unfair to expect such a simple creature to understand you,” Kiku debated.  
“Whatever. I’m just going to order now,” Alfred decided. “I want a large extra cheese pizza and a small okonomiyaki pizza,” he declared.  
“The pizza shall be there in 30 minutes or less, or else I will fire the delivery man on the spot” the pizza man decreed.  
“It’s not his fault if traffic is bad,” Alfred defended. The pizza man hung up. 25 minutes later, there was a knock at the door.  
“I have your pizza,” the delivery boy delivered. Kiku opened the door and took the pizza.  
“Alfred, get your purse,” Kiku demanded.  
“It’s not a purse,” Alfred denied.  
“You’re right. It’s more of a satchel,” Kiku described.  
“Give me my money now or I’ll take the pizza back,” the delivery boy dictated.  
“Hey, do you have any napkins?” Kiku digressed.  
“They’re in the box,” the delivery boy directed.  
“Thanks. I used a few of Kiku’s napkins earlier, and he was really pissed,” Alfred disclosed.  
“It was an entire family pack,” Kiku disproved.  
“Hey, I only used them because you used all the issues to jack off,” Alfred divulged. Kiku handed the delivery man his money. The delivery man vanished.  
“What’s going on over here?” Heracles drawled.  
‘Oh, god, not that guy,” Alfred droned.  
“Oh, god, not that guy,” Heracles echoed.  
“You’re that guy who keeps hitting on Kiku,” Alfred elaborated.  
“I didn’t just hit on him. I got with him,” Heracles emphasized.  
“Please don’t fight,” Kiku enjoined.  
“I got right up in his bussy,” Heracles enunciated.  
“I wouldn’t put it exactly like that,” Kiku equivocated.  
“I got my whole two-foot-long penis right up in there. Multiple times,” Heracles exaggerated.  
“Shut up!” Alfred exclaimed. He took up an aggressive stance.  
“Please don’t get violent,” Kiku exhorted.  
“I’m not. I just want his bastard to know he’s not welcome,” Alfred explained. Heracles glared at him and touched Kiku’s shoulder. “I’m gonna fucking kill you!” Alfred exploded.  
“Alfred, you’re scaring me,” Kiku expressed. Alfred took a deep breath and backed off.  
“Sorry about that. C’mon, let’s get inside. I can’t wait to cuddle up and eat some pizza with you. You’re a really epic boyfriend,” Alfred extolled. He smirked triumphantly.  
“Wait, you two are actually dating?” Heracles faltered.  
“Yup, and we’ll stay that way for a long-ass time,” Alfred foretold.  
“I’m sorry I forgot to tell you, Heracles. I didn’t realize you still had feelings for me. You aren’t mad, right?” Kiku fretted.  
“I can’t believe you lead me on like this,” Heracles fumed. “Ithoughtweweremeanttobeyoulieingsonofabitchdidimeannothingtoyouiknowyousaiditwasjustonenightanditmeantnothingbutithoughtyouwerelieingidontknowwhattothinkanymorefuckyou,” he gabbled.  
“I would never!” Kiku gasped.  
“Hehehe, he said fuck,” Alfred giggled. Then Matthew came up to the door. His shirt was soaked with blood, and he was gripping his abdomen tightly.  
“Hey, guys,” Matthew greeted.  
“You got blood on the grass,” Alfred griped.  
“Great, another soyboy,” Heracles groaned.  
“Grrrrr,” Pochi growled.  
“Whatever, I’m going home. I don’t need you and your beautiful face,” Heracles grumbled. He walked off to who knows where.  
“Aight,” Alfred grunted.  
“I don’t think he’ll come back anytime soon,” Kiku guessed.  
“I-I really need some help,” Matthew gulped. Blood filled his mouth. “I n-need an am-ambulance,” he gurgled.  
“You looked so hot when you were defending me,” Kiku gushed.  
“Wait, was that a taxi? Taxi! Taxi!” Matthew hailed. But there was no taxi. He was just hallucinating from blood loss.  
“Why don’t we go inside, and I’ll show you how hot I can be?” Alfred hinted.  
“That sounds great,” Kiku hissed in a sexy way.  
“I am in desperate need of medical assistance!” Matthew hollered.  
“Awooooo!” Pochi howled.  
“Hmmhmmhmm,” Matthew hummed. His mouth got so full of blood that he couldn’t talk right.  
“I think the pizza’s gotten cold. We’ll have to heat it up, if you know what I mean,” Alfred implied.  
“Let’s do it,” Kiku implored. They slammed the front door shut and set the pizza boxes on the kitchen counter.  
“How many slices do you want?” Alfred inquired.  
“Just one,” Kiku insisted.  
“Alright, then. Get that shit in the microwave,” Alfred instructed. Kiku put the whole cheese pizza and one slice of okonomiyaki pizza in the microwave. He set it to reheat mode and turned it on.  
“You know, it really works better if you-” Matthew interjected. He was staring through the window. His blood dirtied the glass.  
“Ah, it’s done,” Kiku interrupted.  
“I think I’m about to pass out,” Matthew intoned. Alfred started scarfing down his pizza.  
“Ayy, that’s some nice pizza. I could eat this stuff all day,” Alfred jabbered.  
“You could eat anything all day,” Kiku jeered.  
“Maybe I’ll eat you, then,” Alfred jested.  
“Is that vore?” Kiku joked.  
“I’m going to die here, aren’t I? It really is a cruel world,” Matthew lamented.  
“Ew, vore is icky,” Alfred laughed.  
“Hey man, kinkshaming isn’t nice. Sure, I don’t particularly like vore, but I’m not going to insult people who do. Nothing good comes from shaming people,” Kiku lectured.  
“I won’t kinkshame again,” Alfred lied.  
“I really am dying,” Matthew maintained. He looked down at the growing red puddle at his feet. “Wow, that’s a lot of blood,” he marvelled.  
“It’s gotten a bit colder,” Kiku mentioned.  
“Not cold enough,” Alfred moaned.  
“Help me,” Matthew mouthed in vain. “Why don’t you ever help me,” he mumbled. “You don’t even notice me,” he murmured.  
“I wonder if it’s too hot out to have sex,” Kiku mused.  
“What a stupid issue,” Matthew muttered.  
“C’mon, let’s stop talking and screw already,” Alfred nagged.  
“I trusted you, and you left me like this? I can’t even call you a brother anymore. I’m so cold…” Matthew narrated. “Oh, my shoe’s untied,” he noted.  
“I don’t think it’s a good idea. We might get heatstroke,” Kiku objected.  
“Kiku’s kinda hot,” Matthew observed.  
“How’s about we fuck in the pool, then?” Alfred offered.  
“Go get in the pool,” Kiku ordered.  
“God, what I would give for some cool water,” Matthew panted.  
“Epic,” Alfred phonated. He ran out into the backyard and ditched all his clothes.  
“Ah, it’s been a while since I’ve used that pool. I hope that poolboy actually kept it clean,” Kiku phrased.  
“Hurry up!” Alfred pleaded.  
“I’ll be there in a moment,” Kiku pledged.  
“The water feels so nice,” Alfred pointed out as he jumped into the pool. Kiku stripped naked and got into the water.  
“Why don’t I use this more often?” Kiku pondered.  
“Maybe you’re subconsciously afraid of pools,” Alfred postulated.  
“Can I please just die already?” Matthew prayed. He laid down in his own blood and cried.  
“I don’t think you’re qualified to tell me what I’m afraid of,” Kiku preached.  
“You’re going to drop this topic,” Alfred predicted.  
“Anyways, what were we doing?” Kiku proceeded.  
“We’re going to have a sick pool party,” Alfred proclaimed.  
“I don’t like parties,” Kiku professed.  
“I won’t invite anyone over,” Alfred promised. “Anyways, let’s race to see who can swim laps faster,” he proposed.  
“No,” Kiku protested.  
“Why?” Alfred quiered.  
“I don’t like competing like that. Why didn’t you realize that by now?” Kiku questioned.  
“Sounds like it’s shark week,” Alfred quipped.  
“I’m a man,” Kiku quoted.  
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Alfred raged. He stood up and clenched his fists.  
“Did you seriously not know?” Kiku railed.  
“Hey, it’s not my fault that I’m stupid,” Alfred rallied.  
“You’re just saying this because you don’t want to admit you’re gay. Why are you like this? Just be honest with yourself,” Kiku ranted.  
“My name is Alfred and I’m here to say, liking dudes isn’t gay! I eat a lot of pizza, I eat a lot of pie, but if you call me gay then you’re gonna die,” Alfred rapped.  
“Please end me,” Matthew rasped.  
“That was a great rap,” Kiku raved.  
“Hey, you’re pretty nice. Maybe I can be gay for you,” Alfred reasoned. “Actually, I’ve been gay for you for a while,” Alfred recalled.  
“I wrote a poem just for the occasion. Roses are red, violets are blue. This conversation makes no sense and I’m gay for you,” Kiku recited.  
“Let’s stop talking,” Alfred recommended.  
“We’ve been talking for a long time,” Kiku recounted.  
“It hasn’t been that long,” Alfred refuted.  
“This whole fic is us talking,” Kiku reiterated.  
“Hey, you broke the fourth wall!” Alfred rejoiced.  
“Nobody’s reading this anyways. They all quit long ago,” Kiku related.  
“Oh, good. Now I can say whatever I want,” Alfred relieved.  
“Well, you aren’t real so you don’t have free will” Kiku remarked.  
“Oh yeah,” Alfred remembered.  
“You’ll never be real,” Kiku reminded.  
“Oh yeah,” Alfred repeated.  
“Neither of us will ever be real,” Kiku replied.  
“I’m still dying,” Matthew reported.  
“Your bit isn’t funny anymore,” Alfred reprimanded.  
“It’s not a bit,” Matthew reputed.  
“Wake up,” Kiku requested.  
“What do you mean?” Matthew responded.  
“You know perfectly well what I mean,” Kiku retaliated.  
“I really, really don’t!” Matthew retorted.  
“You aren’t real,” Kiku returned.  
“You were never dying because you were never real,” Alfred revealed.  
“Rawr,” Pochi roared.  
“Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” the ground rumbled.  
“I think it’s earthquake season,” Kiku ruminated.  
“Please don’t kill us, Mr. Earthquake,” Alfred sang.  
“You can’t tell me what to do,” Mr. Earthquake scoffed.  
“Don’t talk to me like that,” Alfred scolded. Suddenly, all the characters from before ran into the scene.  
“The world is collapsing!” Yao screamed.  
“The ground is crumbling away!” Feliciano screeched.  
“There’s a massive pit forming in the streets!” the delivery boy shrieked.  
“I think I saw Hades down there,” Heracles shuddered.  
“I’m going to get fired,” the guy from the phone sighed.  
“Ha, you guys are all coming down with me,” Matthew smirked.  
“We’re not gonna die, dude,” Alfred snapped.  
“Grrrr,” Pochi snarled.  
“You losers are all, like, totally screwed,” Fleix sneered as he came out of the bushes.  
“Hey, look, Kiku and Alfred are both naked and that’s funny ha ha ha,” Feliciano snickered.  
“His pp is so small,” Yao sniggered.  
“It’s, like, totally smaller than Feliciano’s,” Felix snorted.  
“My pp is not small :(“ Feliciano sobbed.  
“Guys, I think we have bigger issues here,” the pizza delivery boy sounded.  
“You’ve got a lot of nerve, telling me what to worry about,” Yao spat.  
“I don’t think he intended to be rude,” Kiku speculated.  
“I don’t care,” Yao spouted. The ground started cracking around them.  
“I-I d-don’t w-want to d-die,” Feliciano sputtered.  
“Caw,” the bird squawked.  
“W-were d-d-doomed,” Feliciano stammered.  
“Yeah, basically,” the phone man stated.  
“I can, like, totally save all of you. You just have to give me something or whatever,” Felix stipulated.  
“You don’t have that kind of power,” Mr. Earthquake stressed.  
“P-please I’ll d-do anyth-thing j-just spare m-me,” Feliciano stuttered.  
“We can just, like, grab that bird and fly away or something,” Felix suggested.  
“That should work,” Heracles surmised.  
“I’ll get that bird to help us,” Alfred swore.  
“Wow, you guys are really about to hope on a bird to get away. That’s pretty sad,” Mr. Earthquake sympathised.  
“The bird wouldn’t help us anyways since Yao threw a rock at it,” Feliciano tattled.  
“Oh yeah? You want to bet?” Heracles taunted.  
“Yeah, what do you even know about birds?” Yao teased.  
“I’ve seen that bird help out the neighborhood children. He would help us if we asked nicely,” Kiku testified.  
“I think he’s a magical bird,” Alfred theorized. Heracles ran up to the bird.  
“Listen here, you little shit. Help me and Kiku or I’ll rip your throat out of your ass,” Heracles threatened.  
“I don’t help pathetic people like you, Heracles,” the bird thundered.  
“Oh, he can talk,” Kiku told.  
“I can only carry three of you at once,” the bird twittered.  
“Please, take me,” Feliciano urged.  
“Oh hey, I know you. Your 6th cousin twice removed is my boyfriend. I miss him,” the bird uttered.  
“It makes me so mad that he got put in jail,” Feliciano vented.  
“Say, how’s about we break him out of prison after this?” the bird ventured.  
“Sounds good. Me and Kiku can tag along,” Alfred vocalized.  
“Wait, but then the rest of us will die! We’ll have to fight to decide who has to stay,” Yao voiced.  
“I’m fine staying here,” Matthew volunteered.  
“I should live because one time I saved a bird from getting run over,” the pizza delivery boy vouched.  
“I’ve never hurt a bird in my life,” Alfred vowed.  
“You were the one who encouraged Yao to throw that rock. You’re disqualified. So are Yao and Heracles,” the bird waffled.  
“This isn’t fair!” Alfred wailed.  
“I’ll just take Kiku, Feliciano and the pizza delivery boy. The rest of you suck,” the brid warbled.  
“If you don’t take me with you, I swear to god-” Heracles warned.  
“Please, I don’t want to live if it means losing the love of my life,” Kiku wepted.  
“I’m sorry, Kiku, b-but you have to go on without me,” Alfred whimpered.  
“Arf arf,” Pochi whined.  
“I was talking about Pochi, but I’ll miss you, too, Alfred,” Kiku whispered.  
“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that,” Alfred whistled.  
“Why are we still hanging around here? The ground is almost fully collapsed,” Feliciano wondered. He was right.  
“Arfarfarfarfarf,” Pochi yammered.  
“Ok so basically I’ll take Feliciano, Pochi and Kiku, then,” the bird yelled. He scooped up the three chosen ones and flew up into the clouds. The ground collapsed and everyone else fell down to the core of the earth.  
“Ow!” Alfred yelped.  
“Aaaah!” everyone else yowled.  
Feliciano and the bird later went on to break his cousin out of prison, and the three of them lived life on the run. Kiku bought a new house in Kanto and wrote a bestselling book about his experiences. Pochi became instagram famous. Everyone else died. The end.


End file.
